Hello everybody! It's been long couple of years, hasn't it - though your mileage might vary. First of all, I wish to once more thank you for lifting the ban on me. Thank you! Secondly, I wish to thank you for the ban. Yes, thank you! I will start with it. I tried to log in. "You are banned" Complete, total shock and feeling hurt. Over the next few days I went from disbelief to anger. Cut off, cold turkey. I left it explained to myself as personally chafing with some of the mods and admins, it seemed like a good explanation and one that didn't in itself place any special culpability to me, it was these guys who couldn't bear my presence. I continued trying to run our own fencing club. We had no rules, no leaders, just a bunch of guys who loved swords doing HEMA. I missed the lot of you and even those that I thought had cut me off out of personal disagreements. We started promoting our club, trying to promote this sense of leaderless group of peers. Then this one guy joined in. Immediately our fencing chat is filled with porn, dick picks and the guy himself is like an overfilled sponge of toxicity, splattering and spilling venom on everyone while being also compelled to undermine and discredit those that spent their time and money to keep the club running and who were trying to make a nice fun place to fence for everyone to enjoy. Suddenly this guy starts taking over actual public demonstrations, cutting over actual instructors who are holding a speech to an audience in order to steal the audience for personal toxic shit and to insult some of the invited guests such as the local Kendo club that had helped us get set up and started. As we were discussing kicking this guy out and felt heavy about it, I had a revelation. He was doing all of the things I had been doing - for a couple of years - before being banned. It's not like I had not been warned. Taking a shit on everyone else's parade - check. Joining an activity centered group only to bitch about how pathetic that activity is - check. Breaking all the rules of common sense and forcing the people who run the place to take on roles they don't want to take as authorities instead of allowing them and everyone else just have fun.. It was at that point when it hit home. That's when this wave of shame hit me. That was more than a year ago. After dealing with how I was and had acted for more than half a year I was still ashamed but I also wanted to own my actions and apologize to you all, whom I also missed. Gone was the resentment, all I wanted was a chance to apologize. I contacted Magnus as I started working towards being able to apologize to you all. My ban was lifted. That was some more than half a year ago if I remember correctly. But I still didn't dare to enter for the fear that I had not changed enough and also for I felt too ashamed. I dreaded that I would instantly reflexively just post something insulting within moments, assuming I was even welcomed back. I've thought about coming here and writing this and I've waited and I've thought about where I am and how I am. Today I felt the time was right. I apologize for my conduct that led to my banning. I apologize for paying no heed to the endless warnings over a year of being constantly warned. I apologize for all the insults and all of the toxicity. Having run a fencing club for almost three years and having had to deal with a person who acted like I did and having spent a lot of time reflecting on it all, I still do not think I am fully on clear waters but I do hope that if you should accept this apology and if you should want to welcome me back after all this time that you might be able to see some change in my conduct. In general life is not significantly better or worse than it was at the time. There's always something going on, things are always difficult and frustrating on some front of personal life. These are not to be used as excuses for dishonorable behavior or as a right to spill venom at others. Instead those ways will make all the challenges seem that much more dark and difficult whereas just being nice to others and doing things that we all enjoy and doing them together is what helps us get through life together. How are you all? I hope you're all doing as good as you can!
I don't remember what the hell happened a couple years ago... Shit, I don't remember what I had for dinner on monday. It takes nuts to do what you're doing now so I'll give you an aye. I have two testicles.
Welcome back Sheep... I mean, at least welcome back to the forums. You'll still have to re-apply if you want membership! Also, I thought it was me that you contacted... I jokes, it's no big deal!
Apology accepted. To be honest, it was so long ago I don't even remember the bad parts, really. Glad to hear you are getting along okay. I'm always happy to put "water under the bridge", just remember what we talked about before. (Honestly, it has been so long, I had to look up why you got banned to begin with. Might not be a bad idea to review with admin, privately, just to be sure we are all on the same page. We don't want to rake you over the coals. It's just important that past mistakes aren't repeated.) At any rate, welcome back to our corner of the internet.
Oh man, I'm sorry. It's just, you know, the Magnus Effect. And sure, I'll be filling up an application, I think I remember the way. Facepalm.
At this point, honestly, I would not even mind the list of offenses being in public but sure, I'll take you up on that. And thanks, really, all of you! Also, one fear has been already ruled out, I've still got the knack for awkward mistakes. You people wouldn't believe the kinds of mistakes I've made. Falling at escalators, trying to pick up embarrassed and falling even harder. Wedding rings lost at training halls, guests of honor insulted by other guests in public... All that awkwardness and not a single picture to show for it. All those moments...
Sheep, I echo what was said above about not remembering the details super well, but I have to say that I really appreciate this post. The level of maturity and sincerity demonstrated is powerful- and you have my respect for that.
I went through the notices to my personal mail box that I had received before, which was a good call just to make sure that I don't miss out on any specific thing and to refresh my memory. Now, something I really wanted to share with you guys - me getting my ass handed to me in my first longsword tournament! My favorite part is where I am told to assume my position and I don't get it and the judge has to shout at me to return to my position and the other part where I almost trip over to the marker on the ground as I'm trying to get back to my position. "Dude, you seemed kinda nervous there"
I'm really not keen on public shaming and I do not enjoy beating a dead horse. The only thing I care about is making sure parties involved are on the same page. But your sincerity is appreciated.
There is also the side that a person who might want to have a word with me doesn't himself wish to do it in public. Point taken. I will pm the people who I know and can recall as having received private messages from or public ones. That said my memory is bad and I cannot seriously remember if I might have deleted a message from the inbox or not. So, if there's anyone out there who wants to share a word with me and doesn't see a private message from me, it is because I don't remember that we had any beef after all this time but I am more than willing to discuss anything with anyone so that I can make amends where they are due and we can start putting the past behind. Considering the amount of ranting and violations of conduct I was making and how much I was raining on everyone I simply honestly do not know of everyone who took offense and in what way but I do know there were more than a few and some of them did not personally contact with me and others may have simply not talked about it to anyone. I am committed on making amends. I simply do not know everyone to contact about it for doing so in private or in public, whichever is preferable.
Thanks you all for the warm welcome and accepting my application! It is good to be back. I should buy a bottle of mead to wait for the special occasion when I can join in for some fun and games, meanwhile I'll try to pick up what's been going on and stay tuned in for any updates.
I would say the best approach now will be....just start again and let's leave the baggage behind. No one will be having any fun if you are riddled with guilt and apologising all the time. You are back, let's enjoy ourselves.
