Read for lulz... 14:17 < pastatron> yeah 14:17 < pastatron> if you go to india 14:17 < pastatron> bring toilet paper and hand sanitizer 14:17 < pastatron> just in case 14:18 < pastatron> just.....in case 14:18 < ruff> india? better drink my own urine 14:18 < theChairman> you can do it there I think 14:19 < pastatron> urine? probably better than some of the standing water isaw 14:19 < ruff> why are you over there? 14:19 < pastatron> training 14:19 < ruff> business? PLEASURE? 14:19 < pastatron> BOTH?! 14:19 < pastatron> daytime is business 14:19 < ruff> wut r u train 14:19 < pastatron> nighttime is pleasure 14:19 < pastatron> iykwim 14:19 < pastatron> aityd 14:19 < pastatron> the insurance 14:19 < ruff> wat 14:20 < pastatron> yeah 14:20 < pastatron> also learning about the people i'm going to be working with when i'm bakc in the united ststes 14:20 < ruff> where do you work 14:20 < ruff> and what do you do 14:20 < ruff> tell me... everything 14:20 < pastatron> so i can be like "hey rajiv" instead of "hey rajman2332" 14:21 < matt> lol 14:21 < pastatron> i work for tata consultancy services 14:21 < matt> tell everyone.. including KindOne 14:21 < ruff> rajman2hot4u69 14:21 < pastatron> exactly 14:21 < pastatron> who is KindOne ? 14:21 < matt> tata is so cool 14:21 < matt> pastatron: nobody knows 14:21 < matt> KindOne: nobody FUCKING knows 14:21 < matt> KindOne: fuck you 14:21 < ruff> oh snap that's a real thing 14:21 < ruff> i just experienced certainty 14:22 < pastatron> congrats 14:22 < pastatron> what are you ertain about? 14:22 < matt> ruff: only one thing is certain: Your Gay 14:22 < ruff> http://www.tcs.com/Pages/default.aspx 14:22 < ruff> dat aspx 14:23 < ruff> pastatron: you went/go to utd? 14:25 < pastatron> ruff: went 14:25 < pastatron> graduated in 2011 14:25 < pastatron> tooled around for a while terrorizing little kids and making them fear math 14:25 < pastatron> and me 14:25 < pastatron> mostly me 14:25 < pastatron> but also math 14:25 < pastatron> then i got a real job and i rage about that 14:25 < pastatron> instead of raging about how bad kids are at math 14:26 < matt> now, you rage about wiping your ass with your hand 14:27 < pastatron> or with a hose 14:27 < theChairman> lol 14:27 < pastatron> protip: do not get explosive diarrhea when you're on a squat toilet with no toilet paper 14:27 < theChairman> rofl 14:28 < pastatron> time your poops for your own hotel room 14:28 < theChairman> personal experiance or just passing on the info 14:28 < pastatron> i'm not saying that you'll have a bad time and a ruined day if you get the poops somewhere else 14:29 < pastatron> wait 14:29 < pastatron> that is what i am saying 14:29 < pastatron> i'm passing on the info based on teh experiences of one charles david gibson 14:30 < pastatron> aka "that guy" that matches had the misfortunre of working with 14:30 < theChairman> ROFL 14:30 < theChairman> if that's true it sounds like karma's a bitch 14:31 < pastatron> you have NO IDEA 14:31 < pastatron> NOOOOOO IDEA 14:31 < pastatron> oh my lolz where to begin 14:32 < pastatron> okay so we're on a weekend trip, and we left the hotel without eating breakfast. so we pull over to some podunk restaurant that's in shamallamadingdong, india 14:32 < pastatron> it's this little joint that's on some dirt road off the main highway 14:33 < pastatron> anyways, after we get our food charles disappears 14:33 < pastatron> then we hear this weird noise 14:34 < pastatron> we just assume it's some animal 14:34 < pastatron> then i get a text: 14:35 < pastatron> "i need toilet paper" 14:36 < pastatron> so i find charles in the single squat toilet this restaurant has and i pass him my handful of napkins 14:36 < pastatron> he burns through them and asks for more 14:37 * theChairman is working so hard not to guffaw in his cube right now 14:37 < pastatron> so i go back to the restaurant and get some more napkins 14:38 < pastatron> then when i get back to the bathroom i hear this groaning 14:38 < pastatron> i tell him that i have his napkins 14:38 < pastatron> he growls "quiughhhh" 14:38 < pastatron> i'm like....wtf? 14:39 < pastatron> then he's liek "QUIIUUIGHHHH!!!!!" and he's flapping his hand at me 14:39 < pastatron> but he's not reaching his hand out far enough to get the napkins 14:39 < pastatron> and i'm not about to get that close to a dude with the explosive diarhhea 14:40 < pastatron> i tell him that i can't understand him 14:41 < pastatron> he just says "QUIIIUUUGHHH!!!!!!" again and it turns into a roar of rage 14:41 < ruff> lmfao 14:41 < pastatron> and then i hear the explosive diarhhea coming 14:41 < pastatron> so i use my ninja relfexives and jump up on to the nearest ledge 14:41 < pastatron> thank god too 14:41 < pastatron> because where my feet where just seconds ago 14:42 < pastatron> there were flecks of brown 14:42 < ruff> diarrhea tsunami 14:42 < pastatron> i know right? 14:42 < ruff> is this story real 14:42 < pastatron> i barely mananged to dodge that diarhea bullet 14:42 < pastatron> ruff: i could not make this up 14:43 < pastatron> it gets worse 14:43 < pastatron> anyways i hear his shoes sliding around 14:43 < pastatron> and then i hear this soft plop 14:43 < pastatron> and then curse words 14:43 < pastatron> so many of the curse words 14:44 < pastatron> it turns out that he was trying to avoid spraying his clothes with the explosive diarhhea 14:44 < pastatron> as he was angling himself, he titlted his pants such that his cellphone fell out 14:45 < pastatron> and fell into the squat toilet 14:45 < pastatron> nobody ever borrowed his cellphone again 14:45 < pastatron> and i couldn't look at him when he used it to talk to people 14:45 < pastatron> i just couldn't 14:46 < pastatron> ruff: i wasn't outside the bathroom when he exploded 14:47 < pastatron> my feet and hands were inside, but my head was outside 14:47 < pastatron> i was trying to get as close as humanly possible without actually having to see him 14:48 < pastatron> i *think* he lost his footing while squatting 14:48 < pastatron> that's what my forensic analysis of the spray pattern indicates 14:48 < pastatron> on the other hand, when i realized what i was looking at i stopped looking at it 14:50 < pastatron> the restaurant owner started getting mad over how many napkins charles was asking for 14:50 < pastatron> but then that boy blamed me for making him lose his balance 14:51 < pastatron> where was i going with this 14:51 < theChairman> NEEDS MORE NEGATIVE KARMA 14:51 < matt> hahahahhaha 14:51 < matt> the shit phone 14:52 < theChairman> honestly i can't tell what made me giggle more, the phone or the thought of pastatron giggling every time he answers it from now on 14:53 < matt> must have been a nice phone to pull it out of shit 14:53 < matt> then again, you could just answer your phone with your shit hand from then on 14:54 < theChairman> I don't know, how easy is it for him to get another one in india 14:57 < theChairman> pastatron: you have all these fantastic stories; you are totally being prepped for a carreer as a stand up comic when this whole engineer thing doesn't work out 14:57 < theChairman> QUIIIIIIIUUUGHHHH 14:58 < pastatron> matt: this is what the phone looks like: http://img.139shop.com/Goods/SANSUNG/GT-E1088C-B.jpg 14:58 < matt> lol arent those like $20 14:58 < matt> old ass nokia 14:58 < matt> i was expecting a pic of a turd 14:58 < pastatron> (are you guys allowed to look at images at work) 14:59 < pastatron> basically it's a $20 phone 15:00 < pastatron> matt: i thought about postin ga pic o f a turd 15:00 < pastatron> the phone will make calls. and it will text. and that's about it 15:00 < pastatron> voice quality is garbage 15:00 < pastatron> sounds like that teacher from charlie brown 15:00 < matt> lol 15:01 < pastatron> "what was that?" 15:01 < matt> sounds like a pretty *sunglasses* shitty phone 15:01 < pastatron> "WUH WUHW WUHAHUWHAHWUH" 15:01 < pastatron> YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH 15:01 < phy1729> lol 15:01 < matt> no no not "YEAAAAH 15:01 < pastatron> like, i don't understand why he pulled it out 15:02 < matt> shitty phone .... QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 15:02 < pastatron> (twss?) 15:02 < phy1729> twhs 15:02 < pastatron> omfglolz matt 15:02 < phy1729> he pulled it out so karma wouldn't do worse 15:03 < pastatron> see, you would think so 15:03 < pastatron> and so did i 15:03 < pastatron> and so did i 15:03 < pastatron> so......did i 15:04 < pastatron> until i got the CALL 15:04 -!- Baki [816e055b@ircip4.mibbit.com] has joined #main 15:04 < Baki> hello phy1729 15:05 < pastatron> Baki: you're just intime for my india liveglblog 15:05 < Baki> pastatron: yeessssss 15:05 < pastatron> actually it's not a liveblog 15:05 < pastatron> you missed the first story 15:05 < Baki> summary 15:05 < pastatron> there is no tldr 15:06 < Baki> I'll ask for logs later 15:06 < pastatron> it involves the poops 15:06 < pastatron> i think phy1729 can pm you the logs in like two seconds 15:07 < phy1729> yeah hold on 15:08 < pastatron> anyways so i get this call "hey bardiya charles is in the hospital....he has hemerrhoids and he's going to get surgery in a few hours" 15:08 < theChairman> O.O 15:08 < theChairman> it gave him hemerroids so bad he need emergency surgery >.> 15:09 < pastatron> no no, this was weeks later 15:09 < pastatron> that was the first week 15:09 < pastatron> hemorrhoids were within the last few days 15:09 < pastatron> there's a gap of about three weeks 15:10 < theChairman> i just.... 15:10 < pastatron> i don't think the two events are related 15:10 < theChairman> its so bad he can't wait until he gets back to the states ? 15:10 < pastatron> apparently he was in extremem pain 15:10 < pastatron> and when he went to the hospital the u.k. educated doctor told him to get surgery 15:11 < phy1729> Baki: Y:\log 15:11 < Baki> phy1729: it has been copypasta'd! 15:11 < pastatron> and if a dude says something in a british accent, it must be right 15:11 < phy1729> Baki: can you copy to your folder 15:12 < phy1729> so I can del it from the Y:\ 15:12 < Baki> it says access denied 15:12 < pastatron> anyways, i went to visit him the day after his surgery 15:14 < phy1729> fixed 15:14 < phy1729> Baki: ^ 15:15 < Baki> phy1729: k works now 15:15 < pastatron> i managed to piece together the story from what he told me, his girlfriend told me, and what i inferred based onwhat i know about him 15:15 < phy1729> Baki: got it? 15:15 < Baki> phy1729: yep 15:15 < phy1729> kk deleting 15:16 < pastatron> for somet ime he had been having the runs instead of the poops. in order to fix this, he took some consipating medicine (pepto bismol or traveller's anti-diarhea medicine or something) 15:17 < pastatron> and the constipating medicine worked as one might expect 15:17 < Baki> but it worked too well? 15:18 < pastatron> after a few days of this, he comes back to his hotel room all agitated 15:18 < pastatron> Baki: sort of 15:18 < pastatron> he's mad that he hasn't been able to take a dump 15:19 < pastatron> despite the fact that he took pepto bismol or whatever 15:20 < pastatron> (yes, he actually said, "i couldn't go to the bathroom after i took the medicine!" like he was surprised or osmething. don't ask me why) 15:20 < pastatron> so anyways he's pacing around in his room 15:20 < pastatron> probably muttering tohimself about work 15:20 < pastatron> about india 15:21 < pastatron> about how much everything SUCKS 15:21 < theChairman> about pastatron 15:21 < pastatron> about how he can't even take a dump 15:21 < theChairman> and how its his fault that he can't pop 15:21 < pastatron> theChairman: probably about me 15:21 < pastatron> he's been complaining to people about how i forced him to miss his trip 15:22 < pastatron> but anyways 15:22 < pastatron> so he sits himself down on the pot 15:22 < pastatron> and starts rocking himself back and forth 15:22 < pastatron> muttering angrily 15:23 < pastatron> pushing harder and hader 15:23 < pastatron> trying to will himself into pooping 15:24 < pastatron> now i need you guys to visualize a faical expressoin 15:24 < pastatron> imagine this guy: https://www.facebook.com/CharlesDavidGibson 15:24 < pastatron> but aged ten years and much balder 15:25 < theChairman> lol 15:26 < pastatron> but making this facial expression: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_8RUq9xapio4/S8i6n8EsS-I/AAAAAAAAAdo/sXiB8UqEBC8/s1600/8870AngryBert.jpg 15:26 < Baki> no 15:26 < Baki> he is burt 15:26 < pastatron> and then transitioning to this face: http://dobrochan.ru/src/jpg/1002/Angry-Bert-THIS-IS-MY-WARFACE.jpg 15:26 < Baki> LOL 15:28 < pastatron> for those of you who can't load the images: it's bert, with his poker face, looking off into the distance. suddenly, in the next image, his pupils get all huge and dilated. and that's when the poops hit. 15:28 < pastatron> he's squeezing hard to get those poops out 15:28 < pastatron> too hard 15:29 < pastatron> the sphincter can't handle three days of backlogs being forcibly jammed trhough it 15:30 < pastatron> some ungodly scream of pain was uttered 15:30 < pastatron> and he curled up into a fetal position on the floor 15:30 < pastatron> whimpering 15:30 < pastatron> and he could not take the pain 15:31 < pastatron> so the hospital put him on painkillers and took him into surgery 15:32 < pastatron> anyways, fter i visited him in the hospital and wished him the best of luck in getting his butthole intact again 15:32 < pastatron> i called up my grandma, as i usually do, and i explained what happened 15:32 < pastatron> (btw she is a retired doctor) 15:32 < theChairman> please say you said it that way 15:33 < pastatron> theChairman: i came this frakking close to saying it that way man 15:33 < pastatron> THIS FRAKKING CLOSE 15:34 < pastatron> || <----- my fingers 15:35 < pastatron> anyways i tell my grandma, and she gets all quiet when i finish 15:35 < Baki> haha 15:35 < pastatron> then she calls over my mom (who convieniently was at my grandma's house) and i tell my mom the story 15:35 < pastatron> then they start talking to each other in turkish 15:36 < pastatron> my grandma is basically like "this story can't be right. what am i not understanding?" 15:36 < pastatron> and my mom is all like "no i think you understood it correctly" 15:36 < pastatron> and they rehash the story between themsevles 15:36 < pastatron> then my grandma gets on the phone again 15:37 < pastatron> "bardiya, are you suuuuuuuuuure it was hemorrhoids he had?" 15:37 < pastatron> "yeah, pretty sure, i have it written down here" 15:37 < pastatron> "bardiya, are you suuuuuuuure he got surgery for that?" 15:37 < pastatron> "yeah, pretty sure" 15:38 < pastatron> "bardiya, are you suuuuuuuuure they didn't try anything else before surgery?" 15:38 < pastatron> "yeah, once he told them what he had, they took him straight to surgery" 15:38 < pastatron> again silence 15:39 -!- zerix [sdenson@masked-n5i372.dsl-w.verizon.net] has joined #main 15:39 < pastatron> "bardiya, don't they have metamucil in that country?" 15:39 < pastatron> i was all like "wait.....what?" 15:40 < pastatron> turns out 15:40 < pastatron> when you have hemorrhoids 15:40 < Baki> you eat fiber 15:40 < pastatron> yeah 15:40 < pastatron> first step 15:40 < pastatron> that and fruit juice and painkillers 15:40 < pastatron> oNLY if you've tried that for a while 15:40 < pastatron> and there's been NO improvement 15:41 < pastatron> ONLY then do you get surgery 15:41 < theChairman> Oh wow 15:41 < theChairman> indian doctors rofl 15:41 < pastatron> yeah 15:42 < pastatron> and what's worse 15:42 < pastatron> this boy hasn't been cleaning his reconstructed butthole properly 15:42 < pastatron> so it got an infection 15:42 < Baki> oh dear 15:42 < theChairman> O.O 15:44 < pastatron> he went to the hostpial but he didn't get seen immediately so he started raging 15:45 < pastatron> and now he's angrily demanding emergency medical transport back to the united states 15:45 < Baki> someone needs to calm down 15:45 < pastatron> because the unisted staes totally doesn't have an issue with overcrowded emergency rooms 15:46 < phy1729> not at all 15:46 < pastatron> i thought about telling him that he got an unnecessary surgery 15:46 < pastatron> but i thought his rage meter would go from zero to ridiculous 15:47 < Baki> or some ridiculous to more ridiculous 15:47 < theChairman> unnecessary surgery to "less the hemmeroids yarr" 15:47 < pastatron> theChairman: exactly
