I have a similar one. A Brit, a Portuguese man and a Frenchman are all standing at the bottom of 100 stairs which lead to Heaven. They are wearing special underpants that go "PING!" if they get an erection. On every step is a beautiful naked woman, each sexier than the last. They are told that if they can get to the top of the staircase without getting too excited, they can enter Heaven. The Brit goes up two steps and his pants go "PING!", casting him into Hell. The Portuguese man gets up 30 steps before his will fails him, "PING!" and he falls off the staircase. The Frenchman gets to the top of the stairs successfully! God is there to greet him in his guise as the shepherd, long of beard and wearing flowing robes. "Well done my son! Embrace your God and enter Heaven!" "PING!"
This old chap goes to see a doctor who has some grim news. "I'm sorry to inform you that you've got not one, but two serious diseases." -Oh dear, oh dear. "Quite. To begin with, it would seem that you've somehow gotten yourself the AIDS." -Oh my, that does sound bad. And there was more? "Yes. You also seem to be suffering from pretty far advanced alzheimer disease as well." -Oh me, oh my. Well better than having AIDS for instance I suppose. :disturbed:
An Englishman, and Irishman, and an American are trapped on a desert island. They find a strange lamp, and decide to clean it. While rubbing it, a genie appears. He says "Well, since there are three of you this time, I think I'll give each of you one wish. State your desire." The Englishman says "I wish to go back to London." He vanishes in a puff of smoke. The Irishman says "I wish to return to Dublin." He also vanishes in a puff of smoke. The American says "Well, I'd hate to be stuck here by myself. Could you bring those other two guys back?"
Acorn I know that one. So at the first thanksgiving a pilgrim exclaimed when he saw some corn "We are going to have such a CORNucopia of fun guys!"
How do you get a one armed West Virginian out of a tree? Spoiler Wave. A [type of person you like], a ['nother type of person you like], and a [type of person you laugh at for being stupid] are all in a truck driving across a bridge. Suddenly, the truck veers off the bridge and crashes down into the water. The [type of person you like] and ['nother type of person you like], luckily, survived, and were able to break the windows and swim to safety. The [type of person you laugh at for being stupid], sadly, expired, since they were not able to lower the lift-gate of the truck. OH HO HO HO! Those were the days, back in what, 3rd grade.
Probably NSFW.... but here is goes..... What sound does a baby make, when you put it in the blender, and hit Puree'? Don't know? [Redacted for NSFW comment by Zera.... PM for the punch line....]
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out in robot mode. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, he does not get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
What is small, green and fly? Spoiler Super Cucumber Whats better than cucumber? Spoiler Super Cucumber
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman. "C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-wat er for me and m-my friends?" he asks. She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me." The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends. "You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her." "Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy. "Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!" "Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says. He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers. "W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl. "Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me." "AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell. "What do you want for some water?" "You have to have sex with me." Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen. "Do me here," she told him. He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window. "Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars." "Then lay back and close your eyes again." This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes. "If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert." "Eyes closed," he says. Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms. "Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy. So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window. One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
Hey! I forgot about this thread! Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school? She wanted to be a nurse. When is a school paper not a school paper? When it's turned into the teacher. What do flies wear on their feet? Shoos. What's Mary short for? She's got no legs. What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste. Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something really shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is." Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?" Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."
Why are sex and a snowstorm alike from a woman's prespective? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last until it is over.
