I heard a much more graphic version of the corncob thing when I was little...the jeep and money weren't in it lol
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and wet into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and wet all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Have you seen the new Hero Mech? It's a mix between a CN9-AL and a CDA-2B. It's known as the "AL-Cicada".
Tis far better to laugh than to cry, and this one serves us well. Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client: You have to love this lawyer... A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual reply from FHA): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual response): "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana . God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?" The loan was immediately approved.
WHAT now that I know this thread exists none of you are safe. Why did the cowboy buy a daschund? Cos he wanted to get a long little doggie. According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex? Fuenf. What did Tarzan say when he saw Godzilla come over the hill? "Boy am I in the wrong movie" How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis. LADDER I MEANT TO SAY LADDER. STAR WARS JOKE: Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you got for Christmas Luke: No! That's impossible! How? Darth Vader: I felt your presents Almost done, I promise. So two dudes are out walking through this field when they come across this apparently bottomless hole in the ground. One of them kicks a rock in, and they listen and listen but don't hear it hit the bottom. "Let's get a bigger rock." So they find a pretty good-sized rock and drop that in, but they still don't hear anything. "Dude, we need something bigger," says the first one. So they look around and find this giant railroad tie lying on the ground. Between the two of them they manage to drag it back to the hole and tip it in. They listen and listen, but still can't hear anything. Just then, a goat comes tearing across the field, running so fast its legs are practically a blur. The two guys have only seconds to jump out of the way before the goat leaps past them into the hole. "That was super weird," says the second one. They both stand there and look down into this hole just kind of mulling it over for a few minutes before a farmer walks up. "Have either of you seen a goat come by just now?" asks the farmer. "Yeah, it was the weirdest thing. It just tore by us and jumped into this hole!" says the first guy. "Super weird," confirms the second. "Huh, that -is- weird," remarks the farmer, peering down into the hole, "I could've sworn I had him tied real good to a railroad tie." \o/
Blonde jokes time! What do call it when a blonde has dyed her hair brown? Artificial intelligence. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do you call a freezer full of blondes? Frosted flakes. How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door. How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Favorite blonde joke: So there's this blonde on a road trip, and as she's driving she's listening to the radio. Currently the station is playing a blonde joke marathon, and as she listens, the blonde gets angrier and angrier. Eventually she just slaps off the radio, she's so mad. A few seconds later she sees another blonde in the middle of a cornfield in a rowboat, trying to row. This is just the final straw, so she stops the car, slams the door, walks over the edge of the field and yells: "YOU! It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!" And away!
Baka janai. Why did the polack start crying when he stepped in a cowpie. Spoiler he thought he was melting Why did the polish airliner crash? Spoiler it ran out of coal I'm half polish btw.
Whats black, white, red, and can't turn around in a hallway? Spoiler A nun with a javilin though her throat.
A blonde was speeding down the road one day when a blond cop pulls her over. The police woman walks up to the driver and asks for her license. The blonde driver looks through her purse for awhile before getting frustrated and asks the blonde cop what the license looks like. "It's square and has your picture on it. The blonde driver looks in her purse again and pulls out a square mirror. "Here it is officer!" The blonde cop looks at the small mirror before saying "Sorry ma'am. You can go, I didn't know you were a cop too."
3 extremely rowdy men, English, Scottish, and Irish, sit down at the bar and order a beer. The bartender, being tired of them, pours the beers and throws a fly in each one. The Englishman looks at it and says "I'm not drinking this." and leaves. The Scotsman looks at it, plucks the fly out and drinks. The Irishman grabs the fly and squeezes it yelling "Spit it out you bastard!".
A redneck walks into a pharmacy, walks up to the counter, slaps his hand down and says "It's time for my 12 year old daughter to go on birth control". The pharmacist is shocked. He asks: "You mean to tell me that your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?" The redneck replies: "Oh hell no. She just lays there like her mother".
